REBORN: Writings from a christian perspective.

I Wish.....

by Chi Chi O

You wish you were tired of getting hurt. You wish you stopped feeling hurt.

You remember those days. It seems so long ago. Now as you look back, you wish so many things were different.

For starters you wish that you took your christian faith more literarily. you wish you never turned your back on the only one who ever loved you completely. You wish you heeded that warning that says “ Flee from temptation!” Not concede it, not tolerate it, not reason with it....but flee from it.

For then maybe things would have been different. Maybe you wouldn’t feel the burden of being unequally yoked. Maybe you would have ended with one who would truly lead. One who is not a slave to their passions. Whose need for acceptance drives them to the arms of strange men and women. Wait what’s that all about?

There were signs, there always is but its funny how you ignore them. Like when you noticed how they hid. Cowering because a stranger had called at the door. You noticed the urgent whisper to stay still, to be silent. Least the strange man noticed movement and make himself at home. Or what of when the strangers had turned into a group of men. Vile, uncultured and unmannered. Ruled by their loins. Gathered in an unholy feast of materialistic worship. Where the gods of sex and money held sway. You stood apart but not alone, as the chief priest demanded to know what had happened. Your eyes had that look. Of one who was not in charge of their own soul. Who had submitted to another. You couldn’t answer back. You kept your eyes glued to the floor, as abuse rained all around you. But there you were. What had happened to reduce you to a mere wisp of a man? How had you become bondaged to these vagrants?

But it got shadier.

If the strange men bothered you, it was nothing compared to the strange women.

It started like they always do. When you noticed that strange entry. Written by them. It proclaimed undying love, not like the Lord gives but the world. Filled with lust and undertones of fleshly desire. You blinked away the tears. You felt the crushing pain of betrayal. You resolved in your heart that you had been played by the player. Like the Shaggy song, they stayed true to form. “It wasn’t me!”

You soon discovered a pattern. It was never them. It was a friend, it was another man, it was the other woman, it was the dog. When finally there was no one else to blame, it became a whole new game, “Lets play detective!”

So the game goes something like this, I will hide in plain sight. You proposed to cover tracks. Rather than accord the union you professed to love with respect and trust, you sought an altogether more elaborate plan. This would be subtler, gentler but by no means any more honest or hurtful. What one doesn’t know won’t hurt them right? “ I won’t give up my strange women, I will simply keep them hidden away”. Let’s keep the pretence as i’d rather watch the union end, than change my ways

Again and again you ask yourself. How is it possible for one to be so weak? You can barely disguise the contempt in your heart, eating away at your soul as you look at them from head to toe. Yet more strange women surface and your despise grows. You take the photos down, can’t keep staring at a lie. If they notice, they don’t care. They don’t try to put the pictures back up and plead for the union with their  hands in yours, tenderly. The would rather call the women in secret and lie in your face. You just wish they would go and stay with these strange women and leave you and the kids in peace.

You wish now, that you heeded that warning. Who knows whether You would have been spared the hurt?  When the instinct is to pick up the progeny and run as fast as you can, never to see his face again?

Start anew loving as you deserve with one who deserves. This is the way of the world. That is what the world will tell you.

Lord how many times I cry?  Seventy times seven You say. But I’m wronged, I want justice I seek retribution for my wrong. Well now, He says, If I did the same would you stand it? Immediately, I am humbled. I dare not speak. But for His endless mercy and everlasting grace, indeed where would I be?